Fall is change

So, fall is here. It is time for a change, leaves are changing, the hot weather is leaving, the cool is coming in. Christmas is only 65days away!!!! I am really excited about Christmas this year, I've already started listening to Christmas music! My birthday is in a few days and I am kind of excited, I am currently struggling with a lot of things but God is helping me through them.

My birthdad wants to re-meet me on my birthday, this will be the first time he and I have seen each other since I was 9. I am kind of at a loss at this, I mean, I do want to meet him to tell him that I forgive him for all the wrong that he did in my life but on the other hand, I don't want to get too close as then I could have my heart broken again. As most of the people who would read this blog knows, I am adopted so, I have talked with my parents about this subject extensively and they are okay with it.

Lately, I've been keeping myself a lot cleaner, my room is staying cleaner, my car, my clothes I wear are nice, I've even bought several pairs of decent clothes. I want to start a new personna, one that says, "Jesse is a new man", I've even thought about starting to go by Matthew so I could lie my childish ways aside and start a whole new character.

Porn is a big struggle in my life currently, I have talked with my pastors about this, one of them gave me a book to read and is going to start talking to me about this every couple of weeks, also, they have hired a counselor for me to see once a week, every week for the next 8 weeks, that starts tomorrow. I am kind of scared of that and kind of excited in getting this stuff out in the open to finally get rid of baggage.

I've screwed up many times in my life, I've made several mistakes recently and lost some friends who I thought would become really good friends in the future. Their is this one friend specifically that I lost, where I posted some stuff on Facebook that I should not have and she got really upset with me,I deserved it though. She was exactly right, if I could go back and change that I would but I can not. I kinda screwed up on that one...

Hey! I have made some true friends now!!! All my life, I've wanted to hang out with folks and I forced myself on them to hang with them, now I have friends who call me and text me to see if I will hang out! It's really nice. :) Not only are these friends real friends but they are Godly friends, the kind of people who wants God's will over their own. Each one of the folks I am referring to serve at the same church I go to ( Rivertown Community Church ) (RCC) and they serve frequently and happily! I can't wait to see where God leads these friendships to down the road, it's actually very exciting to me!

My pastor and his wife's 29th wedding anniversary was yesterday. (Sunday), so they told the sermon yesterday together. In the last week or so, they sent out a couple of e-mails to tell us not to miss it that it would be really good, I wasn't going to miss it anyhow, I hate missing church. So, I got their and it was a decent sermon a lot of good tips for the future... then it hit me HARD!!!! I am a moralist Christ follower, a rule keeping Christ follower! I need to love Jesus because He is Jesus! I need to quit worrying about keeping every rule and moral and just love Jesus! I need to love Him because He first loved me! I need to know true love- one-sided love! Jesus' love is one-sided then through that, I can learn to love back.

Now, I am going to passionately pursue falling in love with Jesus, so much so that I will experience His love, that I will be able to give away one sided love to all others. That is my commitment! Also, the friends that I have, I will actively pursue making those relationships better so those days in my future when I feel like I can't go any further, those friends will spur me on to love!